by editor | May 26, 2012 | Lifestyle
The Online Dating Double Standard: How Fear Can Prevent Dating Success
Many people go online in search of their elusive soul mate, only
to find all of the wrong people on the other end of the meeting.
Many women think that they are alone in this outcome, but it
happens to guys too.
Women have met so many men online, who only seem interested in a
roll in the hay, that they have built defenses that may stand in
the way of their ultimate success in dating and lifelong
happiness. The ladies always tend to believe that they are the
only ones that get the short end of that stick, but it just is
not true – it really does happen to guys too.
My best friend recently re-entered the dating game, after his
wife of ten years decided that she wanted to play the field
rather than to stay committed to her husband and her vows. He is
a good Christian man, who is only looking for the next Mrs.
Smith. Yet, all of the ladies he has been meeting online are only
in the game for one thing – a roll in the hay.
Girls, you are not alone.
Dating on the Internet is just like dating in real life, with
only minor differences. In person, one can look into the eyes of
their potential date to see if there is any real interest. In
real life, one can read the body language of their potential
date, to see if the interest is real and the intent is good. But,
if you were to accept a date with someone met online, then you
would actually have to agree to that first date in order to get
that one-on-one to measure the interest and intent of your date.
Men and women both fool themselves, by believing that they can
read the person at the other end of the conversation, simply by
asking questions and reading the written answers. It is not that
simple, especially if the other end of the conversation is only
interested in night of passion, because the guy only interested
in a one-night stand will likely tell you exactly what you want
to hear. If he is willing to lie to you to get what he wants,
then he will not be the kind of person you want to meet anyway.
But, here is the rub. Many people, men and women alike, feel that
the most effective way to avoid the one-night stand type of date,
is to demand a commitment of a long-term relationship from the
person with whom they are speaking.
Would you commit to buying a car you called about, sight unseen,
and without having at least looked at or driven the vehicle
first?
You certainly wouldn’t, would you?
So, why do you want someone else to commit to a long-term
relationship, sight unseen, without first meeting that someone?
Commitment runs two ways. If I were to commit to a long-term
relationship with someone I had never before met, then I would
expect the person forcing the commitment to approach the
relationship with the exact same commitment for me as I had given
to them. Just as a marriage relationship requires two people to
work together towards the same ends, any commitment undertaken
will also require both parties to invest the same care of concern
for the promise.
But, the person demanding that kind of commitment before our
first date is just as likely to find one hundred reasons not to
go out with me on a second date. It just goes with the territory.
It is just basic human behavior that assures me of that outcome.
The person demanding a commitment from me, without having first
met me, is a person who fears what I might want from them. But,
when the fear is so strong as to demand an upfront commitment for
a date, then the fear will most assuredly prevent the date from
leading to greater things.
This is the very reason why I choose to only date women who are
willing to approach a date with “No Strings Attached.”
“No Strings Attached” gives me the liberty to determine if I
like the person enough to go out with them a second time. And
“No Strings Attached” gives her the ability to decide on her
own free will if she will want to go out with me on a second
date. “No Strings Attached” permits both my date and myself to
go out on a date, without fear and without pressure to make
things work.
With no expectation of a second date assumed, then both my date
and myself are free to explore one another, to see if there is a
real future potential for the relationship.
Ladies. I know that I am looking for a long-term relationship,
and one day, I might be willing to invite my girlfriend to become
my wife. “No Strings Attached” should never be viewed, as “I
only want a roll in the hay.” Instead, “No Strings Attached”
means that I would like to get to know you a bit better, before I
agree to any kind of long-term or committed relationship with
you.
Just as I want the chance to get to know you before I make a
commitment to you, you should want the same from me.
Hit me up, if you live in my neck of the woods. I am single, and
I make a real good living. I am looking for a long-term
relationship, with the potential of marriage, and I may truly be
looking for someone exactly like you. But until you can put away
your fear and agree to go on a date with no strings attached,
then you and I will never know what could have been.
———————————————————————
Lance Metzger writes about relationships, offline and online
dating. Our no-strings-attached dating site has become a popular
online adult dating destination, due to its large membership
base of people looking for relationships of all kinds. Learn
more at: http://www.nsadatingsite.com/
Consider Lance’s new Kindle book, “Making Memories: Creative
Dating Ideas”: http://raintreepublishing.com/creative-dating-ideas/
by editor | May 24, 2012 | Lifestyle
Online Dating Is A Difficult Process That Offers Some Rewards
Many people who are on the dating scene turn to the online dating
websites to find new friends and lovers. But that road is a hard
one that can occasionally bring those with great patience – great
rewards.
Beyond everything else, patience is required of anyone who is
pursuing friends, lovers or mates in the real world and online.
When I do the dating thing in the real world, I find several
opportunities to talk to the person in whom I am interested. Then
after a few meets, I pop the big question, asking for a date.
Then date night comes along and it may work, and it may not, but
more frequently all seems well early, only to fall apart at a
later date.
Folks, online dating comes with all the same pitfalls as offline
dating. You advertise yourself, you find people whom you may be
interested, you try to talk it up, and then the first date comes.
That first date may work and it may not.
In the end, online dating is much the same as offline dating,
with a few more benefits and pitfalls thrown in to frustrate the
person seeking a date.
The Differences Between The Online And Offline Experience
The biggest difference between the online and offline dating
experience is a benefit that comes from it.
Benefits Of Online Dating
With online dating, you get to be introduced to people with whom
you may have never had the opportunity to meet in person –
usually due to different lifestyles and different locations.
With online dating, you also have the ability to sort through the
profiles of hundreds or thousands of people to narrow your list
to your best matches more quickly.
Shortcomings Of Online Dating
When you meet someone you like in person and you say hi, he or
she will usually say hi back. For every 20 emails sent out, as
few as 2 or 3 may respond back.
Some online daters have defined this as the difference between
“talkers” and “doers”. Many point out that most people online
only want to talk about meeting, but when it comes down to it,
they will be unwilling to take the “action” step.
This actually happens in one of two ways. First is when you send
out an email and no one ever responds. The second is when you
actually set up a date, only to be stood up.
Let’s be honest about why this happens.
So many people have heard horror stories about people who have
met strangers online, only to have the meet go horribly bad. Yes,
the criminal element hangs out online as well as at the local
mall.
Ladies fear the criminal predators, and the guys should fear the
fake profile predators who are always working towards asking for
money to be sent for a needed emergency expense.
The one time I ran into the fake profile predator, I should have
known when she could not talk intelligently about her hometown. I
knew the gig was up when she started professing her love after
only a few conversations. And the gig was finally up, when this
woman who supposedly made about three times as much money as
myself needed help to pay for her babysitter in some far off
state.
The trick to ensuring your safety is to always make your first
date in a public place. That way, if things go badly on that
first date, then you can seek assistance from other people if
necessary. You can even ask the cashier to call the police out to
help escort you to your car.
Unfortunately, many people go so far as to set up a date in a
public place, but when the scheduled date time arrives, they
simply do not show up. Many of the people who got stood up were
good, honest people, but the person who stood them up will never
be able to find that out, because they never met the person whom
they agreed to meet for that first date.
Fear Is The Greatest Demotivator
When dating online, the opportunities are available for some
great people to meet and get together, but too often, people let
the fear of contact stand in the way of letting people come
together. The fear of responding to an email is the greatest
threat to the successful fulfillment of one’s relationship
desires, but also the fear of actually meeting someone in person
will prevent even people who have chatted online for a long time
from coming together.
I am always amazed when I think back to my friend Lisa, who
chatted with a guy online for more than one year, before the two
of them met. And then they dated for several months when he moved
to her hometown. They are still married eight years later. With
so many things that could go wrong in the online dating
experience, it is nice to know that there are success stories
that we can share.
———————————————————————
Lance Metzger writes about relationships, offline and online
dating. Our no-strings-attached dating site has become a popular
online adult dating destination, due to its large membership
base of people looking for relationships of all kinds. Learn
more at: http://www.nsadatingsite.com/
Consider Lance’s new Kindle book, “Making Memories: Creative
Dating Ideas”: http://raintreepublishing.com/creative-dating-ideas/
by editor | May 17, 2012 | Lifestyle
With an article title like this, one might assume that I am ready
to tell you some extraordinary news about a new dating
environment. Sure, the Internet has introduced one more way for
people to meet, but does that actually change the dating scene?
Interestingly, a friend of mine met his current wife online, but
not from across country, rather from across town. The two of them
lived just five miles apart. Jokingly, we have talked about it
from the standpoint of “you could have met, if only you had been
willing to get out more.” But it was not that easy. Sure, in
theory they probably could have met when they were out and
running around, but if you talk to both and ask them the places
they go and the people they know, the chances of actually having
met were entirely unlikely.
He is a Baptist and she is a Catholic. He is a blue-collar
worker, and she works for a dentists’ office. He goes to
football games and hangs with his friends, and she used to go to
the bar with the girls. Although they both lived in the same
small town and graduated from the same high school, none of his
friends had ever met her, and none of her friends had ever met
him or his friends.
The two of them were so close, and yet so far apart from one
another.
The Internet was instrumental in bringing the two together. They
were introduced to one another through their respective personal
profiles on dating websites. After a couple of exchanged emails,
they turned first to Yahoo Chat, and then they orchestrated a
personal meet for dinner at a local restaurant. I guess you can
say the rest is history.
After a nine-month courtship, the two were married, and they have
been married now for two years.
Lessons To Be Learned
Ah yes, I am one of the guys who write about online dating. So, I
got the idea to start asking questions. I wanted to know what if
anything could have impacted this hookup in a negative way. Now
and again, I will ask a question and wish later that I had just
kept my mouth shut. In a way, this was one of those situations,
and you will see why in a minute.
Both indicated that a picture on a profile is absolutely
essential. Neither was willing to talk to anyone who hid behind a
computer on the Internet. Had either one not included a picture,
neither would have responded to the others’ email.
Both had been doing the online dating thing for a couple years.
So, both had scars from the experience.
She said that one should never lie in a profile. She said that
when she chatted guys online or met them in person, she was keen
to listen to everything she was told. She was looking for
discrepancies between what was said in chat, in person and in the
profile. She said that when she first started the online dating
thing, she did not pay much attention to those things, but she
later found that these little red flags were a good indication of
bigger red flags that she would not want to discover later.
Both suggested one of my standard pieces of advice was completely
valid. I have always said that we should get to know one another
a bit better, before we start making commitments to one another.
She said that guys, who were quick to jump into a commitment,
were not only nerdy, but also desperate for a good reason. He
said that girls were quick to declare love or commitment usually
turned out to be scammers looking to make a quick buck. He said
that within days of the first declaration of love, she would
always be asking for money, and she would pitch a fit if you told
her no, after all she would say, the two of you shared something
special.
She said there was two emails that she dreaded receiving from
guys. She said any email that employed cheesy pick up lines would
not be answered ever. She said that if I guy wanted her
attention, he would need to give some thought to his emailed
words. Second, she said that if she wanted to see a guy’s male
part, she would invite him to her house for the night. She did
not want to see him in an email message.
He said there was two emails that he also dreaded receiving. He
did not want to hear “I love you” at all, nor did he want to be
spoken to in a condescending way. I asked him what he perceived
to be “condescending”. He said words like, “sweetie”,
“dear” and “honey” were immediate turn-offs, as he perceived
those women to be professionals looking to get paid for their
dates.
All Went Well To This Point, And Then…
You know I am the type of person who is not easily embarrassed.
The interview had been going well, and then I asked the wrong
question to the wrong person. And it all changed, just like that.
I asked my friend and his wife whether they had ever got together
with someone just for fun, like a one-night-stand type
arrangement. Both had said yes, and then I regretted having asked
the question. My friend’s wife indicated that she had one real
good “friend with benefits”, and as a single guy, I might enjoy
some of the activities they liked doing.
If I had stopped here, then everything might have been all right,
but I asked what she meant.
Immediately, the alarm went off in my brain signaling too much
information! I turned beet red and she laughed. And to this day,
I have never lived down that moment in time.
How Dating Has Changed In The 21st Century
Copyright (c) 2008-2012 Lance Metzger
NSA Dating Site
http://www.nsadatingsite.com
by editor | May 10, 2012 | Lifestyle
Online dating… the whole concept sounds very exciting yet
mysterious.
There are people around the world who have done the online dating
thing, many of which were able to find their soulmates.
Most of us have dated at least offline, and some of us have dated
online. Either way, online dating can be a good experience for
each one of us – if we don’t let the bad outshine the good.
It has been said that risk is required to attain great reward.
And after having heard some of the stories about the online
dating experience, you just about have to concede that sometimes
online dating brings with it great risk. Well, everything in this
world involves some drawbacks and dangers with it and so does
online dating.
Where there are good people, there may also be bad people. It is
a risk we all take when we choose to socialize with others.
The greatest risk of online dating is that the person with whom
you are speaking is not who he or she says that they are. Of
course, that could happen in the real world of dating, but it is
not as prevelent as it is online.
The people who are faking their online identity fall into one of
three groups: lonely people, married people (sometimes also
lonely married people), and the criminal element.
Ladies, don’t think that a reference to the criminal element
only includes men who seek to harm women. More so, most of the
criminal element in the online dating world are those who are
looking for a mark for an identity fraud or money scam. Whether
you are a man or woman, you should be forewarned that if someone
starts asking for money to pay for some emergency expense, then
you are probably talking to a criminal involved in some sort of
money scam. You know, it might be different if you have met this
individual in person, but if you have never met them and they are
asking for money… BEWARE!
Faking an online identity on a dating website is not always
indicative of a fraudulent mind. When lonely, some people simply
create an online identity that might be more exciting and more
attractive to others. This kind of fake may not hurt you
physically or financially, but it may very well put a long-term
relationship on the rocks as the deceptions are discovered.
By far, the most common reason for faking an online dating
website identity is the ignorant spouse at home. He or she might
be a wretch, but being a wretch does not make them dangerous.
The online dating websites have gotten pretty good over the years
at setting up systems to identify and target the criminal
elements within the dating site. Typically, the male or female
criminal scammer will be identified and deleted from the dating
websites’ database within 24-48 hours. So, if you find yourself
talking to someone and their profile is shown to be deleted in
mid-sentence, you can usually rest assured that the online dating
site just saved you a world of headache and heartache.
While the dating websites are good at detecting and deleting the
criminal scammers from the dating community, the dating websites
are less inclined to eliminate the married members from their
database. However, some of the bigger dating websites have
provided mechanisms for members to prove that they are who they
say they are, for the purpose of giving the website a method to
tell its other members whether the individual has submitted proof
of identity to them or not. The married guys and gals usually
won’t go through the proof of identity process, for fear that
his or her significant other will find out about the attempt to
cheat.
But before you go jumping to any conclusions about an individual
on an online dating website, keep in mind that many people simply
will not go through the identity verification process, for a
number of reasons:
1. Too much hassle;
2. It sometimes costs money; and
3. Some people are afraid to give private data to some unknown
third-party that might be operating the website.
The truth is that the online dating community should be treated
as a buyer-beware process. While most people who frequent the
online dating websites are honest, single and looking for love,
there are a few out there who are not.
If you gather a group of people in any single setting, whether it
is an online dating website, a church, or a grocery store, most
of the people you will find at that setting are good, honest,
hard-working people. So, when you are online, you should look at
the online dating experience as one where most people will be
above-board, honest, and sincere. But you should also keep in the
back of your mind that you do not know for sure what you are
getting until which time you are able to prove to yourself that
the person at the other end of the conversation is exactly who
you believe that they are.
When searching for that proof of sincerity, keep in mind that
lesson from our youth… Liars will never be able to keep their
lies straight, and they will always begin to make mistakes and
let the truth slip out.
At the end of the day, the online dating community is just one
more way for people to meet a potential love interest. It is a
way where you can meet people that you would not have been able
to meet otherwise, and who knows, it might work out to be the
best love connection you will ever make.
———————————————————————
Lance Metzger writes about relationships, offline and online
dating. Our no-strings-attached dating site has become a popular
online adult dating destination, due to its large membership
base of people looking for relationships of all kinds. Learn
more at: http://www.nsadatingsite.com/
Consider Lance’s new Kindle book, “Making Memories: Creative
Dating Ideas”: http://raintreepublishing.com/creative-dating-ideas/
