The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in
France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by
a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly”
to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain:
“Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful
Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also
have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries”
to “She’ll be all-right, Mate.” Three more escalation levels remain:
“Crikey,!” “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and
“The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use
of the final escalation level.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed”
to “Peeved.”

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated”
or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since
the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have
been re-categorized from “Tiresome ” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last
time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588,
when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s
get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the
reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for
the last 300 years.